Autism

 

I know what you’re thinking. “How come it’s taken you so long to actually write about Autism when it’s there literally in the title of the blog?” Well, there have just been a lot of different topics I wanted to cover first. But also, I wanted to make it more accessible and interesting to EVERYONE, not just purely those who are Autistic or know someone who is.

 

I was diagnosed as Autistic sometime late-2019, at the age of 37. That’s 37 gruelling, anxiety-filled, overwhelming years of not having a clue of what was wrong with me. Frankly, I don’t know how I’ve kept going all this time, especially as things have got progressively worse in my life as time has gone on.

 

Let me make one thing clear, I don’t believe my Autism getting worse is simply because of me getting older, it’s more to do with the trauma I’ve been put through by various people or situations leading-up to the diagnosis. Had none of that happened and I had been diagnosed a lot earlier in life, I could’ve got better support and understanding from people as I’ve grown-up. I may have even been able to avoid a lot of mistakes and misunderstandings from the many people I’ve totally-unintentionally managed to annoy or upset over the years.

 

The irony though is that if I hadn’t hit absolute rock-bottom and become severely depressed, I wouldn’t have been passed to mental health services and wouldn’t have had my diagnosis fast-tracked. I know most people, disgracefully, must wait about 1-2 years before they can even be SEEN by specialists, let alone actually get a diagnosis! So, I guess in that way I’m lucky.

 

I’ve always been socially awkward, struggled to make friends and properly interact with others. I have often realised how my life or development has sort of happened in reverse. As a child, I was a lot more mature and an absolute stickler for rules, hence why other kids would bully me and consider me either a “class swot” or “teacher’s pet”. Whereas, nowadays, I’m a lot more of someone who fights for what he believes in and challenges those in authority if I believe something’s not right (think of teen Climate Activist Greta Thunberg, another fellow Autistic person!).

 

I’ve always had what I call an “encyclopaedic knowledge” of certain things, especially my favourite sci-fi franchise “Star Trek”. I’d often get bullied for that and asked, “How many windows has the U.S.S. Enterprise got?” Believe me, I didn’t choose to absorb this sort of knowledge, it’s just gone that way! In contrast, I’ve always absolutely struggled with Mathematics, no matter how many times I’ve tried. I completely flunked it in school, getting the lowest possible grade in my G.C.S.E.

 

So, if you’re not Autistic, you’re probably wondering exactly what it is I must deal with. Well, I’m what they call “High-Functioning Autistic”, meaning I have a milder form of it which (on the surface) makes me seem like any ordinary neurotypical person. However, I’m always going through a ton of different stuff under the surface. For one thing, my senses are dialled right up. I can’t tolerate loud and/or sudden noise, such as someone talking loudly, loud music or something suddenly being dropped. This does also sometimes extend to quieter sounds, like someone tapping on a table, lips moving or even other people talking/whispering. I have some noise-cancelling headphones, which have been an absolute lifesaver and which I wear a lot (especially when out). 

 

Another sensory problem I have is stuff I see, especially movements. For example, my Dad has some sort of medical condition which means his hands and fingers are always moving involuntarily. I can’t tolerate this, and it creeps me out immensely as it’s like a Tarantula spider’s legs wiggling about. So, I normally must look away or, when sitting near him, must wear a hoodie to block me from seeing it. Believe me, I feel REALLY bad about having to do this, as I know he can’t help it! I also struggle to make eye contact with people, instead preferring to talk to them while looking away. I have had some people deliberately then try moving back into my field of vision, which is annoying.

 

I don’t feel I have the same sensitivity to bright/flashing lights that some on the Autistic Spectrum have. But I do have heightened sensitivity with touch and smell. I don’t like being touched normally or being too close to people physically. I also don’t like certain materials/fabrics, such as coarse wool, which makes my skin crawl and again like I’ve just touched a spider or something similar. I don’t like certain smells, like minty toothpaste or chewing gum.

 

I have a sort of “mental deafness” in that I can clearly hear stuff but sometimes struggle to process it properly. For example, I need to have the subtitles/captions on when watching the TV. Or, if someone tells me something, I need them to repeat it sometimes (although as soon as they repeat it, I instantly know what they said the first time!). Similarly, if I’m talking but then get interrupted, I completely lose my “train of thought” and struggle to recall what I was talking about. I can’t deal with multiple conversations going on at once and struggle to either focus on one of them or even say whatever I need to say myself.

 

I have a heightened sense of empathy with everyone around me. The funny thing is that a lot of neurotypical people have often said that us Autistic people have no sense of empathy. Believe me, empathy is probably the one thing I have in abundance, and which is at the absolute core of who I am as a person. I really care strongly about some people, especially kids and teens. If they feel sad/upset, I feel sad/upset. If they’re being told off by teachers/parents, I feel like I’m being told-off right along with them. This is probably why things went badly in the schools I used to work at, although it was also why I was so good at being a mentor/counsellor for them.

 

As for the “socially-awkward” side of things, I rarely have the confidence to go up to someone and talk to them about something. At the very least, I need several minutes to mentally-prepare exactly what I need to say, like if I’m in a coffee bar and need to order a drink. I absolutely hate having to use a phone and, again, need lots of time to prepare. I recently had a complete meltdown when I was called unexpectedly by people connected to the Job Centre.

 

Which brings me to the extreme side of things, meltdowns. If I get overwhelmed by stuff, whether it’s sounds, people getting angry with me, people not understanding me or stuff not going according to plan, I completely freak-out. This can result in me running away and needing to find refuge somewhere quiet, me throwing stuff, shouting/swearing, crying, struggling to breathe etc. I’ve worked-out different strategies, like putting my headphones on and listening to music or just being left alone for a few minutes. It doesn’t go away quickly though and can leave me feeling severely depressed and quiet for hours or even the rest of the day. I’ve sometimes completely shut-down and walked in a trance-like state for miles.

 

This is where a lot of misunderstanding impacts Autistic children. As a lot of these responses are seen by people, like school staff or parents, as “bad behaviour” or “being naughty”, they’re treated as such and are punished, singled-out, restrained or shouted-at. All of this just ends-up making things even worse and causes even more distress to the child. Sadly, I’ve seen for myself how, despite training or being told differently, some people just stubbornly refuse to treat these kids differently and think they’re “just being allowed to get away with it.”

 

Something that is Important is how it’s not that we should somehow adapt to fit into society but rather the opposite, it should be society that adapts to make US feel more comfortable. There is a definite improvement in understanding Autism and trying to make things better for us, but there is still so much more to be done. The biggest example is the Sunflower Lanyard, which is worn by those of us with “Hidden Disabilities”. More public places and organisations, such as shops and supermarkets, have trained their staff to recognise what it means and how to help us if we need it. I have also added a few “I Am Autistic” cards into a plastic wallet at the end of the lanyard, which not just show I’m Autistic but have emergency info for if I have a major meltdown.

 

However, despite this supposed training, I have not noticed any change. I can walk around a supermarket and staff are still either talking loudly or banging stuff about or making tannoy announcements at a high volume. They may sometimes have “Autism-friendly hours”, but these are usually early-morning when they open and so don’t make a difference when people like me go there later in the day. Also, with the COVID-19 pandemic, the whole Sunflower Lanyard scheme has been hijacked by those wishing to avoid having to wear a mask. So, those of us who genuinely need help get overlooked.

 

It is obvious there is still a lot of hard work which needs to be done in the world to help those of us in the Autistic community and let us lead normal lives. But the best way this can be done is by consulting with the Autistic community itself. It’s no good having neurotypical people, who may have done numerous courses and observed/assessed Autistic people. At the end of the day, none of them know what it FEELS like in our heads or our hearts every single moment of our lives.

Pride: It's Not A Sin

Just a quick disclaimer at the start. Even though this blog is on LGBTQ+ Pride, I can only speak from the perspective of being gay. I don’t want to risk offending anyone else who fits into any of the rest of the LGBTQ+ community, even though I’ve known a lot of people who are in it.

At the time of writing this, it is the middle of Pride Month globally. Well, I say “globally” but we all know a lot of countries still treat LGBTQ+ people as something to be feared or hated on. But then that only strengthens the cause and argument as to why we need Pride, to fight for those who feel oppressed or victimised for being who/how they are.

 

Yeah, I bet you thought this was going to be a bright, cheerful, rainbow-filled shower of glitter and sparkles. But, sadly, it’s not always like that. For me, it certainly hasn’t been. I live in Brighton, which (so I’m told!) is known globally for its massive LGBTQ+ community. So, you’d think that both I and everyone else would be free and able to be ourselves without any fear or ridicule. WRONG!!! Even here, Homophobia is lurking and ever-present. Gay men get beaten-up, laughed-at or spat upon. There are still so many people who think it’s “perverted, unnatural or a sin against God”. People think that just because you’re gay, you’re suddenly going to fancy every guy on the planet and want to get really intimate with them. Trust me, that is not happening!

 

Like many places, it all starts at home or in the school playground. While schools may say they have zero tolerance rules on homophobia and discrimination, there are still plenty of kids and teens who regularly use homophobic slurs to put down those who are in any way different. This was certainly the case back when I was at school. So, time for a flashback!

 

I first discovered I was different back when I was about 12-14 years old. Believe me, I’d always very much fancied a lot of girls and women. I certainly had plenty of posters in my bedroom which supported this. However, one night, everything changed. Totally out-of-the-blue, I had a dream about one of the boys I went to school with. Don’t worry, it wasn’t a particularly intimate dream, but it did make me feel all kinds of things about how good that boy looked. From that point on, I started to notice it more about other boys. But, at the same time, I was very uncomfortable.

 

What you must understand is that this all happened back in the 1990s, a time when being gay was still very much frowned upon and misunderstood. It was certainly coming off the back of the British government’s Section 28 policy about banning the promotion and literature of Homosexuality, especially in schools. The AIDS crisis was also still very much fresh in everyone’s minds, with the deaths of prominent people like Freddie Mercury and Kenny Everett (comedian and radio presenter). It was also way before the Internet properly took off too, so there weren’t really any resources to help me. I also both went to a Catholic school and had been brought-up by very religious parents who would regularly make remarks about “Urgh! Down with that sort of thing! We don’t want to see that. Why do they think everyone wants to see that?”

 

However, I want to say that I don’t really blame them. They were brought-up during times when attitudes towards LGBTQ+ people were even worse and prejudiced than they were when I was growing-up. It was illegal to be found to be gay or committing “lewd homosexual acts”. I’ve even seen an advert made for TV, from the 1960s, where they linked being gay to being a paedophile. Seriously, there’s a kid playing in a park with a shifty-looking guy in the bushes, watching the kid with a pervy smile on his face while the narrator states ominously, “Beware the homosexual! He is coming for your children!” So, it’s no wonder such propaganda warped everyone’s minds.

 

Anyway, back to my own story.

 

So, I was very much alone and ended-up in complete denial. I made the decision to just ignore it and “choose” to be straight, regardless of how I kept feeling. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I’d started giving off gay vibes or if it was just because I wasn’t into football and regular “boys” things, but that’s when the homophobic bullying started too. I was regularly called every slur you could possibly think of. I never once admitted to ANYONE that I was having these feelings about boys, not even to my one best friend. 

 

As time went on, I soon found out about a thing called “Bisexuality”, which made me feel a bit easier as I knew I wasn’t the only person who fancied both boys and girls. I was still very much keeping it to myself though and this continued for many more years. That is, until a whole lot of other things in my life changed and went incredibly-badly (depression, anxiety, going in and out of jobs, not knowing I was Autistic). After nearly ending it all, I came to a different kind of conclusion and epiphany which I still always tell people to this day:

 

People will hate on you no matter who/how you are, so you’d might as well just fully-embrace yourself and be who/how you are meant to be.

 

Since then, I’ve gone on to help mentor a lot more young people who’ve either already been “out and proud” or have only just started to come to terms with being gay/bi/lesbian/trans. Like me, they’ve also either been in denial, feared what others might think or have been bullied either at school or at home. But, with my support and the support of other key people in their lives, they’ve managed to go on to live better, happier, prouder lives as their true selves.

 

It’s quite alright to feel confused and even change your mind as you explore things yourself. Like the diver, Tom Daley, I originally thought I was bisexual, but am now very much gay. Every shred of attraction towards women has gone away.

 

Sadly, the story doesn’t always end so well for everyone and so it’s incredibly important we continue to fight for equality, justice and acceptance for ALL LGBTQ+ people. So many lives have been lost, kids thrown out on the streets or contemplating either self-harm or suicide. If you’re reading this and aren’t a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I ask you sincerely and wholeheartedly to do everything you can to be an LGBTQ+ Ally and stand-up for our rights. You never know who in your life may be one of us but is too scared to let anyone know.

 

At the end of the day, THAT is what Pride is about. Not just flag-waving, wearing bright, multi-coloured clothing or “being outrageous”. It’s about standing-up and saying to the world, “This is me! This is how I feel or am! I’m not trying to upset anyone. I’m still the exact same person I’ve always been. Just please accept and support me. Let me live my life as happily as possible without fear or hate.”

 

This blog’s music choice comes from the recent cover version of “It’s A Sin” by Elton John & Olly Alexander. Originally by The Pet Shop Boys, this has always been a massive hit for me growing up. I hope you enjoy it and, if you’re struggling with being LGBTQ+, know that you are not alone and you have a place in the LGBTQ+ community.

Bullying

 

One of the biggest problems with bullying is the denial in schools that it either exists at all or that it’s not as bad as people say it is. I’ve worked in at least one school where I actually had a conversation with senior leaders about anti-bullying strategies or campaigns, to which they’d simply reply that none of it needs to be done as the school doesn’t have a bullying problem. Trust me, ALL schools have a bullying problem, some may just have a bigger or smaller problem than others. The best thing to do is to really go for it and do everything imaginable to support kids against bullying. That way, it’s less likely to happen and those who ARE being bullied can get the support they need.

 

Anyone who follows my social media or knows me personally will know I was bullied relentlessly all through school. That’s eleven years, at least, of inescapable, non-stop, soul-crushing unhappiness. Now, some people reading this may think, “But John, surely you had some of a break? What about when you weren’t at school or you were on school holidays?” So, let me explain something to you. Bullying doesn’t just happen when the bully is right there in front of you, saying things to you or hitting you. It stays with you every second of your life, because it’s permanently seared into your brain. You hear the bully’s voice, the taunts, the laughter and feel both the physical & emotional pain all the time. You have nightmares of what’s already happened or what could possibly happen, everytime you’re asleep. Which in turn, sometimes, leads to you not wanting to sleep. I’ve had times when I’d be having a nightmare about bullying, go to punch them but then wake-up mid-punch and end up punching either the wall or whatever’s around my bed.

 

People, especially adults, need to remember that a person being bullied isn’t JUST dealing with bullying. They’re dealing with schoolwork, body-image, what they’re eating, boyfriend/girlfriend issues, family/home problems, if they’ve got enough money, if their computer breaks down, if they’ve got enough credit on their phone etc. They’re dealing with a whole lot of stuff all at once, some of which their bullies will probably hone in on. It’s no wonder they usually get angry or fall into depression or worse. Those supporting them, if anyone is at all, need to bear this in mind and not add any more to it, especially teachers and parents.

 

I suppose, in some ways, I’m lucky as my bullying was mainly verbal, emotional and psychological. A lot of people aren’t so lucky and regularly get beaten-up. I did have the odd one of these and even once got threatened I’d get stabbed the next day, leading to both me and my best-friend having to resign ourselves to the fact that tomorrow may be our last. Obviously, it wasn’t, but we still thought it would be!

 

So, what did I get bullied about myself? Primarily, it was because I was overweight. Certainly, getting changed for P.E. was an absolute nightmare, especially once I’d started puberty! But, over time, I’d get picked on for other things like being a loner, being a “teacher’s pet”, because I was a sci-fi nerd, because I wore glasses, because I didn’t have a girlfriend (which led to a LOT of homophobic bullying, which I’ll probably go into in a separate blog), because I was nervous, because I wasn’t into sports…the list goes on. The point is that bullies will pick on you for absolutely anything, so don’t ever change to fit in or in the hopes it’ll stop or ease the bullying.

 

It all finally stopped at the end of Year 11, which is the end of compulsory education here in England. Even though I stayed on for Sixth Form College, most of the kids who’d bullied me chose to move on and those who stayed were, surprisingly, totally-changed and became good friends with me. I guess this proves that sometimes they’re only doing it to impress the ring-leader and so they don’t get bullied themselves! However, I did still have some incidents many years later in workplaces, which definitely felt exactly like bullying.

 

I still feel the effects of it all, even now. When I look back at my childhood and teens, I don’t have lots of happy memories. All I remember, vividly, is what I got put through. It certainly had an impact on my mental health, but also my physical health. Yes, it’s pushed me to get fitter and lose weight. But it’s also left me very self-conscious and with low confidence, on top of what I’ve already always been feeling due to being Autistic.

 

Thank goodness we didn’t have the Internet, social media or smartphones back when I was growing-up! The advent of Cyber-Bullying has been an absolute curse and made an already-bad problem ten-times worse. People, not just kids and teens, now face potential bullying, humiliation and harassment from others around the world, not just in their own area. Even I’ve been a victim of it!

 

If there is one message I could give anyone who is getting bullied now, it’s to speak-out against it. My main problem was I just took it, I didn’t get any help and no-one did anything about it, even though they must’ve seen and heard it happening. I’m more than aware that bullies may use intimidation and be like, “If you tell anyone about this, especially teachers, I’m going to make you regret it!” But, let me ask you this, is it REALLY any better letting it continue? I can tell you that it isn’t. Keep fighting back, talk to parents, friends, teachers…hell, go to the media about it! Don’t accept ANY crap from anyone, including schools. Teachers and those in charge may say to parents, “Oh, well we are aware of it and are taking a zero-tolerance approach to bullying.” But really, it isn’t enough. There’s no way schools are doing absolutely everything they can to stop or prevent it.

 

I want to end on a positive note and say that, even though some victims of bullying become bullies themselves, that doesn’t always have to be the way. I have used my experiences to not only drive myself forwards but to devote my life to helping other young people who are either going through bullying or other bad experiences. I don’t want any of them to feel as alone and helpless as I did. I know that a lot of young people have just chosen to end it all as it’s been too much to deal with. But you DO have a positive future ahead of you. I’ve spent about twenty years helping support and mentor kids/teens, so many of who have seen me as someone who is cool, fun, supportive and someone who’s made a difference in their lives. I honestly could NEVER have imagined that happening back when I was at school. If things can improve and change that much for me, they can for you too!

My musical choice for this blog is "You Say" by Lauren Daigle. It's really uplifting and feels appropriate for a blog about the good and bad things people say to or about you.