Bullying

 

One of the biggest problems with bullying is the denial in schools that it either exists at all or that it’s not as bad as people say it is. I’ve worked in at least one school where I actually had a conversation with senior leaders about anti-bullying strategies or campaigns, to which they’d simply reply that none of it needs to be done as the school doesn’t have a bullying problem. Trust me, ALL schools have a bullying problem, some may just have a bigger or smaller problem than others. The best thing to do is to really go for it and do everything imaginable to support kids against bullying. That way, it’s less likely to happen and those who ARE being bullied can get the support they need.

 

Anyone who follows my social media or knows me personally will know I was bullied relentlessly all through school. That’s eleven years, at least, of inescapable, non-stop, soul-crushing unhappiness. Now, some people reading this may think, “But John, surely you had some of a break? What about when you weren’t at school or you were on school holidays?” So, let me explain something to you. Bullying doesn’t just happen when the bully is right there in front of you, saying things to you or hitting you. It stays with you every second of your life, because it’s permanently seared into your brain. You hear the bully’s voice, the taunts, the laughter and feel both the physical & emotional pain all the time. You have nightmares of what’s already happened or what could possibly happen, everytime you’re asleep. Which in turn, sometimes, leads to you not wanting to sleep. I’ve had times when I’d be having a nightmare about bullying, go to punch them but then wake-up mid-punch and end up punching either the wall or whatever’s around my bed.

 

People, especially adults, need to remember that a person being bullied isn’t JUST dealing with bullying. They’re dealing with schoolwork, body-image, what they’re eating, boyfriend/girlfriend issues, family/home problems, if they’ve got enough money, if their computer breaks down, if they’ve got enough credit on their phone etc. They’re dealing with a whole lot of stuff all at once, some of which their bullies will probably hone in on. It’s no wonder they usually get angry or fall into depression or worse. Those supporting them, if anyone is at all, need to bear this in mind and not add any more to it, especially teachers and parents.

 

I suppose, in some ways, I’m lucky as my bullying was mainly verbal, emotional and psychological. A lot of people aren’t so lucky and regularly get beaten-up. I did have the odd one of these and even once got threatened I’d get stabbed the next day, leading to both me and my best-friend having to resign ourselves to the fact that tomorrow may be our last. Obviously, it wasn’t, but we still thought it would be!

 

So, what did I get bullied about myself? Primarily, it was because I was overweight. Certainly, getting changed for P.E. was an absolute nightmare, especially once I’d started puberty! But, over time, I’d get picked on for other things like being a loner, being a “teacher’s pet”, because I was a sci-fi nerd, because I wore glasses, because I didn’t have a girlfriend (which led to a LOT of homophobic bullying, which I’ll probably go into in a separate blog), because I was nervous, because I wasn’t into sports…the list goes on. The point is that bullies will pick on you for absolutely anything, so don’t ever change to fit in or in the hopes it’ll stop or ease the bullying.

 

It all finally stopped at the end of Year 11, which is the end of compulsory education here in England. Even though I stayed on for Sixth Form College, most of the kids who’d bullied me chose to move on and those who stayed were, surprisingly, totally-changed and became good friends with me. I guess this proves that sometimes they’re only doing it to impress the ring-leader and so they don’t get bullied themselves! However, I did still have some incidents many years later in workplaces, which definitely felt exactly like bullying.

 

I still feel the effects of it all, even now. When I look back at my childhood and teens, I don’t have lots of happy memories. All I remember, vividly, is what I got put through. It certainly had an impact on my mental health, but also my physical health. Yes, it’s pushed me to get fitter and lose weight. But it’s also left me very self-conscious and with low confidence, on top of what I’ve already always been feeling due to being Autistic.

 

Thank goodness we didn’t have the Internet, social media or smartphones back when I was growing-up! The advent of Cyber-Bullying has been an absolute curse and made an already-bad problem ten-times worse. People, not just kids and teens, now face potential bullying, humiliation and harassment from others around the world, not just in their own area. Even I’ve been a victim of it!

 

If there is one message I could give anyone who is getting bullied now, it’s to speak-out against it. My main problem was I just took it, I didn’t get any help and no-one did anything about it, even though they must’ve seen and heard it happening. I’m more than aware that bullies may use intimidation and be like, “If you tell anyone about this, especially teachers, I’m going to make you regret it!” But, let me ask you this, is it REALLY any better letting it continue? I can tell you that it isn’t. Keep fighting back, talk to parents, friends, teachers…hell, go to the media about it! Don’t accept ANY crap from anyone, including schools. Teachers and those in charge may say to parents, “Oh, well we are aware of it and are taking a zero-tolerance approach to bullying.” But really, it isn’t enough. There’s no way schools are doing absolutely everything they can to stop or prevent it.

 

I want to end on a positive note and say that, even though some victims of bullying become bullies themselves, that doesn’t always have to be the way. I have used my experiences to not only drive myself forwards but to devote my life to helping other young people who are either going through bullying or other bad experiences. I don’t want any of them to feel as alone and helpless as I did. I know that a lot of young people have just chosen to end it all as it’s been too much to deal with. But you DO have a positive future ahead of you. I’ve spent about twenty years helping support and mentor kids/teens, so many of who have seen me as someone who is cool, fun, supportive and someone who’s made a difference in their lives. I honestly could NEVER have imagined that happening back when I was at school. If things can improve and change that much for me, they can for you too!

My musical choice for this blog is "You Say" by Lauren Daigle. It's really uplifting and feels appropriate for a blog about the good and bad things people say to or about you.