Online Safety

 

Online Safety: Avoiding Antisocial Media

 

Anyone who knows me properly knows I’ve spent at least 20 years campaigning for the rights and protections of young people around the world. I am fighting a constant battle to try and help keep young people safe online.

 

Like countless people around the world, I use a variety of social media platforms (Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, TikTok, Facebook etc.). As of writing this, I have about 1000 followers on Instagram and over 600 followers on Twitter. I know how so many people place a lot of importance on getting a high number of followers. YouTube even award plaques for reaching milestone amounts of followers. But how many of your followers actually regularly like, comment or generally interact with you or what you post? I know I rarely get more than 20 people liking my photos on Instagram and even less people actually post comments. So, why does it matter how many followers we have? At the end of the day, it’s just a number.

 

I’m hoping that if you’re a kid or teen, you’ve got at least one family member who’s regularly checking what you post and who you interact with online. Yeah, I know, you’re probably laughing and wondering why you’d want your parents invading your privacy or ruining your fun.

 

The first reason is that there is a massive amount of people online who want to make contact with young people in order to cause them some sort of harm. They won’t necessarily say or even do anything to them physically, especially as they may not even be in the same country as them. But they will, at the very least, get a lot of sick enjoyment out of looking at pictures of young people they post online. So, it’s worth considering exactly what you’re posting online and who you’re allowing to see them. Most social media, especially Instagram, allow the option to set your account to “Private”. This means that none of your content is visible unless you approve access to it. So, this is a good opportunity to ask your designated family member to check if the person sending you a “Follow Request” is potentially a risk or trustworthy. You can check out their own account, what they post, what they say etc. If your family have a rule that you can’t allow anyone over a certain age (such as 18), then you’re obviously not going to allow someone who’s quite obviously 35.

 

Now, this isn’t a completely fool-proof way of doing things. What can appear to be an innocent-looking boy or girl around your own age, could in reality be a 42-year-old man. It’s hard to tell at first glance. What normally gives them away is how they interact with you. If they’re particularly keen on you posting pictures of yourself, especially in a situation where you may not be wearing much, like if you’re swimming, then that’s suspicious. One thing I’ve picked-up on a lot is they post either just emojis (usually hearts and kisses) or say things like “Oh gorgeous!”, “Beautiful!”, “Look at you! You’re so good-looking!”

 

They may also be interested in where you live, what school you go to (don’t EVER post pictures of you in school uniform!) or if you want to meet up sometime. They may spend time trying to get to know you better and build-up a connection with you, so that you consider them a friend. They may even try sending you gifts or money, under the false pretence that they care about you and want you to be happy. This is called “grooming” and is never about making YOU happy, it’s about making THEM happy. NEVER arrange to meet-up with anyone you just talk to online, even if they seem harmless and like they care more about you than anyone else you have in your life. Certainly, don’t arrange to meet someone at their house or yours. At the absolute very least, make sure it’s a very public place with lots of people and try to make sure you have an older, trusted friend or family member go with you. That way, if things do go badly, you’ve got plenty of protection and can call for help. With any luck, the other person will be watching and won’t want to go anywhere near you if they see you’re not alone.

 

Of course, the potential to harm/manipulate you may not even need to be in person, it can even happen through various live video-chat features. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve heard about kids and teens being coerced into stripping or performing sexual acts on camera through services like Omegle. 

 

I’ve also come across numerous accounts which pretend to be “fan pages” for young actors, athletes, dancers etc. But they’re really just places where paedophiles can freely look at or share pics of kids. Every single photo may be revealing, or every single comment will be like how I described above.

 

What I normally do whenever someone requests to follow me, or if I consider following them, is I check all their Follower/Following lists. You’d be surprised at the number of times I’ve found loads of accounts without profile pics, shady-looking older men or accounts filled with indecent images. So, always check these!

 

Now, I know I keep placing blame on a lot of “older men”. Believe me, I’ve had plenty of people accuse ME of being a potential threat, simply because of how I look or how I follow and support a lot of young people. It’s why I’ve taken my age out of my bio, because people would judge me simply by that and my appearance, rather than who I actually am as a person. I’ll still tell people my age if they ask me, as I believe in complete honesty and transparency in order to build trust. I never pretend to be anyone I’m not. I’d rather people take the time to properly get to know me better, rather than making their own incorrect assumptions about me.

 

Thankfully, in a lot of cases, I’ve been able to get in touch with a lot of parents/guardians and even follow their own separate accounts too. So, they know they can always rely on me to report any concerns I may have, like if I find someone else sharing their kid’s photos on their own pages or if someone following them is a potential threat.

 

Believe me, I’ve been a target myself, especially as I’m always doing so much to try and take down paedophiles and other risks. I’ve had people create fake accounts of me and then get my own account taken, accusing ME of being the fake. Thankfully, I was able to create a backup account and get in touch with my most-trusted followers to warn them. Still, it took a LOT of hard work and persistence over two weeks before I was able to get my original account back up and running.

 

I’ve also had people follow me and befriend me over the course of several months before I’ve realised they’re fake and using other people’s photos to pretend to be them. In some cases, when I’ve confronted them or exposed their lies, they’ve either blocked me or got extremely hostile. I’ve even had people get all their followers to gang-up on me across multiple social media platforms. So, I’m very much aware of just how bad things can get.

 

Having said all this, social media can still be a really great thing to get into. I’ve made a lot of trustworthy, kind, caring friends who’ve shared a lot of interests with me. I’ve helped save a lot of teens I’ve been mentoring because they’ve been battling depression, self-harm or bullying and also considering suicide. Most recently, it’s helped me explore my passion for photography. So, it’s not all bad, as long as you stay completely aware of the dangers and always know what to look out for.

 

As I always say: “When in doubt, just block and/or report.”

Bullying

 

One of the biggest problems with bullying is the denial in schools that it either exists at all or that it’s not as bad as people say it is. I’ve worked in at least one school where I actually had a conversation with senior leaders about anti-bullying strategies or campaigns, to which they’d simply reply that none of it needs to be done as the school doesn’t have a bullying problem. Trust me, ALL schools have a bullying problem, some may just have a bigger or smaller problem than others. The best thing to do is to really go for it and do everything imaginable to support kids against bullying. That way, it’s less likely to happen and those who ARE being bullied can get the support they need.

 

Anyone who follows my social media or knows me personally will know I was bullied relentlessly all through school. That’s eleven years, at least, of inescapable, non-stop, soul-crushing unhappiness. Now, some people reading this may think, “But John, surely you had some of a break? What about when you weren’t at school or you were on school holidays?” So, let me explain something to you. Bullying doesn’t just happen when the bully is right there in front of you, saying things to you or hitting you. It stays with you every second of your life, because it’s permanently seared into your brain. You hear the bully’s voice, the taunts, the laughter and feel both the physical & emotional pain all the time. You have nightmares of what’s already happened or what could possibly happen, everytime you’re asleep. Which in turn, sometimes, leads to you not wanting to sleep. I’ve had times when I’d be having a nightmare about bullying, go to punch them but then wake-up mid-punch and end up punching either the wall or whatever’s around my bed.

 

People, especially adults, need to remember that a person being bullied isn’t JUST dealing with bullying. They’re dealing with schoolwork, body-image, what they’re eating, boyfriend/girlfriend issues, family/home problems, if they’ve got enough money, if their computer breaks down, if they’ve got enough credit on their phone etc. They’re dealing with a whole lot of stuff all at once, some of which their bullies will probably hone in on. It’s no wonder they usually get angry or fall into depression or worse. Those supporting them, if anyone is at all, need to bear this in mind and not add any more to it, especially teachers and parents.

 

I suppose, in some ways, I’m lucky as my bullying was mainly verbal, emotional and psychological. A lot of people aren’t so lucky and regularly get beaten-up. I did have the odd one of these and even once got threatened I’d get stabbed the next day, leading to both me and my best-friend having to resign ourselves to the fact that tomorrow may be our last. Obviously, it wasn’t, but we still thought it would be!

 

So, what did I get bullied about myself? Primarily, it was because I was overweight. Certainly, getting changed for P.E. was an absolute nightmare, especially once I’d started puberty! But, over time, I’d get picked on for other things like being a loner, being a “teacher’s pet”, because I was a sci-fi nerd, because I wore glasses, because I didn’t have a girlfriend (which led to a LOT of homophobic bullying, which I’ll probably go into in a separate blog), because I was nervous, because I wasn’t into sports…the list goes on. The point is that bullies will pick on you for absolutely anything, so don’t ever change to fit in or in the hopes it’ll stop or ease the bullying.

 

It all finally stopped at the end of Year 11, which is the end of compulsory education here in England. Even though I stayed on for Sixth Form College, most of the kids who’d bullied me chose to move on and those who stayed were, surprisingly, totally-changed and became good friends with me. I guess this proves that sometimes they’re only doing it to impress the ring-leader and so they don’t get bullied themselves! However, I did still have some incidents many years later in workplaces, which definitely felt exactly like bullying.

 

I still feel the effects of it all, even now. When I look back at my childhood and teens, I don’t have lots of happy memories. All I remember, vividly, is what I got put through. It certainly had an impact on my mental health, but also my physical health. Yes, it’s pushed me to get fitter and lose weight. But it’s also left me very self-conscious and with low confidence, on top of what I’ve already always been feeling due to being Autistic.

 

Thank goodness we didn’t have the Internet, social media or smartphones back when I was growing-up! The advent of Cyber-Bullying has been an absolute curse and made an already-bad problem ten-times worse. People, not just kids and teens, now face potential bullying, humiliation and harassment from others around the world, not just in their own area. Even I’ve been a victim of it!

 

If there is one message I could give anyone who is getting bullied now, it’s to speak-out against it. My main problem was I just took it, I didn’t get any help and no-one did anything about it, even though they must’ve seen and heard it happening. I’m more than aware that bullies may use intimidation and be like, “If you tell anyone about this, especially teachers, I’m going to make you regret it!” But, let me ask you this, is it REALLY any better letting it continue? I can tell you that it isn’t. Keep fighting back, talk to parents, friends, teachers…hell, go to the media about it! Don’t accept ANY crap from anyone, including schools. Teachers and those in charge may say to parents, “Oh, well we are aware of it and are taking a zero-tolerance approach to bullying.” But really, it isn’t enough. There’s no way schools are doing absolutely everything they can to stop or prevent it.

 

I want to end on a positive note and say that, even though some victims of bullying become bullies themselves, that doesn’t always have to be the way. I have used my experiences to not only drive myself forwards but to devote my life to helping other young people who are either going through bullying or other bad experiences. I don’t want any of them to feel as alone and helpless as I did. I know that a lot of young people have just chosen to end it all as it’s been too much to deal with. But you DO have a positive future ahead of you. I’ve spent about twenty years helping support and mentor kids/teens, so many of who have seen me as someone who is cool, fun, supportive and someone who’s made a difference in their lives. I honestly could NEVER have imagined that happening back when I was at school. If things can improve and change that much for me, they can for you too!

My musical choice for this blog is "You Say" by Lauren Daigle. It's really uplifting and feels appropriate for a blog about the good and bad things people say to or about you.