Just a quick disclaimer at the start. Even though this blog is on LGBTQ+ Pride, I can only speak from the perspective of being gay. I don’t want to risk offending anyone else who fits into any of the rest of the LGBTQ+ community, even though I’ve known a lot of people who are in it.
At the time of writing this, it is the middle of Pride Month globally. Well, I say “globally” but we all know a lot of countries still treat LGBTQ+ people as something to be feared or hated on. But then that only strengthens the cause and argument as to why we need Pride, to fight for those who feel oppressed or victimised for being who/how they are.
Yeah, I bet you thought this was going to be a bright, cheerful, rainbow-filled shower of glitter and sparkles. But, sadly, it’s not always like that. For me, it certainly hasn’t been. I live in Brighton, which (so I’m told!) is known globally for its massive LGBTQ+ community. So, you’d think that both I and everyone else would be free and able to be ourselves without any fear or ridicule. WRONG!!! Even here, Homophobia is lurking and ever-present. Gay men get beaten-up, laughed-at or spat upon. There are still so many people who think it’s “perverted, unnatural or a sin against God”. People think that just because you’re gay, you’re suddenly going to fancy every guy on the planet and want to get really intimate with them. Trust me, that is not happening!
Like many places, it all starts at home or in the school playground. While schools may say they have zero tolerance rules on homophobia and discrimination, there are still plenty of kids and teens who regularly use homophobic slurs to put down those who are in any way different. This was certainly the case back when I was at school. So, time for a flashback!
I first discovered I was different back when I was about 12-14 years old. Believe me, I’d always very much fancied a lot of girls and women. I certainly had plenty of posters in my bedroom which supported this. However, one night, everything changed. Totally out-of-the-blue, I had a dream about one of the boys I went to school with. Don’t worry, it wasn’t a particularly intimate dream, but it did make me feel all kinds of things about how good that boy looked. From that point on, I started to notice it more about other boys. But, at the same time, I was very uncomfortable.
What you must understand is that this all happened back in the 1990s, a time when being gay was still very much frowned upon and misunderstood. It was certainly coming off the back of the British government’s Section 28 policy about banning the promotion and literature of Homosexuality, especially in schools. The AIDS crisis was also still very much fresh in everyone’s minds, with the deaths of prominent people like Freddie Mercury and Kenny Everett (comedian and radio presenter). It was also way before the Internet properly took off too, so there weren’t really any resources to help me. I also both went to a Catholic school and had been brought-up by very religious parents who would regularly make remarks about “Urgh! Down with that sort of thing! We don’t want to see that. Why do they think everyone wants to see that?”
However, I want to say that I don’t really blame them. They were brought-up during times when attitudes towards LGBTQ+ people were even worse and prejudiced than they were when I was growing-up. It was illegal to be found to be gay or committing “lewd homosexual acts”. I’ve even seen an advert made for TV, from the 1960s, where they linked being gay to being a paedophile. Seriously, there’s a kid playing in a park with a shifty-looking guy in the bushes, watching the kid with a pervy smile on his face while the narrator states ominously, “Beware the homosexual! He is coming for your children!” So, it’s no wonder such propaganda warped everyone’s minds.
Anyway, back to my own story.
So, I was very much alone and ended-up in complete denial. I made the decision to just ignore it and “choose” to be straight, regardless of how I kept feeling. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I’d started giving off gay vibes or if it was just because I wasn’t into football and regular “boys” things, but that’s when the homophobic bullying started too. I was regularly called every slur you could possibly think of. I never once admitted to ANYONE that I was having these feelings about boys, not even to my one best friend.
As time went on, I soon found out about a thing called “Bisexuality”, which made me feel a bit easier as I knew I wasn’t the only person who fancied both boys and girls. I was still very much keeping it to myself though and this continued for many more years. That is, until a whole lot of other things in my life changed and went incredibly-badly (depression, anxiety, going in and out of jobs, not knowing I was Autistic). After nearly ending it all, I came to a different kind of conclusion and epiphany which I still always tell people to this day:
People will hate on you no matter who/how you are, so you’d might as well just fully-embrace yourself and be who/how you are meant to be.
Since then, I’ve gone on to help mentor a lot more young people who’ve either already been “out and proud” or have only just started to come to terms with being gay/bi/lesbian/trans. Like me, they’ve also either been in denial, feared what others might think or have been bullied either at school or at home. But, with my support and the support of other key people in their lives, they’ve managed to go on to live better, happier, prouder lives as their true selves.
It’s quite alright to feel confused and even change your mind as you explore things yourself. Like the diver, Tom Daley, I originally thought I was bisexual, but am now very much gay. Every shred of attraction towards women has gone away.
Sadly, the story doesn’t always end so well for everyone and so it’s incredibly important we continue to fight for equality, justice and acceptance for ALL LGBTQ+ people. So many lives have been lost, kids thrown out on the streets or contemplating either self-harm or suicide. If you’re reading this and aren’t a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I ask you sincerely and wholeheartedly to do everything you can to be an LGBTQ+ Ally and stand-up for our rights. You never know who in your life may be one of us but is too scared to let anyone know.
At the end of the day, THAT is what Pride is about. Not just flag-waving, wearing bright, multi-coloured clothing or “being outrageous”. It’s about standing-up and saying to the world, “This is me! This is how I feel or am! I’m not trying to upset anyone. I’m still the exact same person I’ve always been. Just please accept and support me. Let me live my life as happily as possible without fear or hate.”
This blog’s music choice comes from the recent cover version of “It’s A Sin” by Elton John & Olly Alexander. Originally by The Pet Shop Boys, this has always been a massive hit for me growing up. I hope you enjoy it and, if you’re struggling with being LGBTQ+, know that you are not alone and you have a place in the LGBTQ+ community.
Thoughtful as ever, I lived in Brighton on and off in between 86 - 90. There were some horrific attacks on LGBTQ and murders, but there was a good sense of community despite the huge number of men falling victim to A.I.D.S, Tony Chapman had yet to open Revenge and the Beacon blared out Mel and Kim's Respectable whilst we drank smuggled in vodka in the loos.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment, I really appreciate it. It's great to hear from someone who lived the Gay scene back then.
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