Toxic Masculinity and Boys' Stereotypes

 

💪"Macho, Macho Man! I Want To Be A Macho Man!" - The Village People💪

 

Are you familiar with the story of “Billy Elliot”, either the movie or the musical? Basically, the story is about a boy who’s about 11 years old and who lives with his struggling family during the 1980s British Miners’ Strike. His Dad keeps sending him to boxing lessons, but it’s obvious he’s neither any good at it nor does he really have any interest in it. He’s just doing it because his Dad did it and so did HIS Dad before him. After a lesson one day, he discovers a ballet dancing class taking place in the same building. He’s instantly captivated by it and, despite initial resistance, joins in with it. The instructor instantly realises he’s got potential and so begins training him up. However, his Dad later finds out and is so angry/disgusted by it, he bans Billy from any further lessons. Thankfully, Billy sticks to his guns and manages to convince his family to let him continue, eventually leading to him going to the Royal Ballet School.

 

Why am I telling you this? Because this blog’s about what it means to be a male, especially a boy, in a world where there is still so much prejudice and “Toxic Masculinity”. Even though the above story took place in the 1980s, the general attitudes, stigma, prejudices are still around today. Boys and men are expected to fit into a neat little box, like they always have been. You’re born expecting to be into stuff like football, rugby, boxing, going out with your mates, getting into “rough and tumble” and eventually getting a job doing something physical or otherwise very much contributing to society at large. But, what if you DIDN’T?

 

I don’t know what it’s like where you live, but I used to work in Primary Schools where most staff were women. As you can probably imagine, having a man around ruffled more than a few feathers, which is a massive part of why I don’t do it anymore. In at least one school, there would regularly be a lot of sexism and discrimination, even when I was around. Staff, especially the senior ones, would routinely make remarks about how useless men are, especially their husbands and how the boys in the school would never amount to much because their “caveman” instincts would always take over and they’d always be causing trouble or fighting because of “the days they’d be swinging through the trees like monkeys”. Obviously, this got to me a lot, much to their amusement.

 

However, the boys (and a few girls) responded to having me around and considered me a mentor. Some boys, who’d earned a reputation for being a right handful, even began to improve their behaviour and open-up, despite absolutely NO-ONE having had any luck with them before. Even their parents were extremely grateful for the support and different approach I was taking with their sons. It also made a big difference to those kids who either didn’t have a father figure at home or no other positive male role model in their lives.

 

Obviously, that was a few years ago and so I have no idea what they’re up to these days. But it made me think, what other boys never changed and never fully realised their potential simply because people treated them like they’d never make it or were only capable of causing trouble? What about the boys who never even got into trouble most (or all) of the time? I know from my own experiences growing up, as well as working in schools, that it’s sometimes the case that ALL boys are treated the same way, and ALL get punished together, simply because their gender means they’re likely to have been the cause of trouble.

 

I once spoke to a boy who had tried-out cheerleading but was too scared to pursue it for fear of what his peers might think. He was scared he’d be the victim of homophobic bullying, even to the point of thinking he could potentially be bisexual. I told him that it shouldn’t matter what other people think. If he genuinely has an interest in doing something, he should go and do it. I know for a fact that there are boy cheerleaders out there already.

 

But that’s part of the problem, that so much is still considered “gender-specific” and so boys are expected to do stuff like sport (especially rough ones), construction and engineering while girls are expected to do cooking, dancing etc. Don’t get me wrong, there are already more and more great strides being made to reverse all this and I’m proud to say I’ve had at least one family member who’s done so. All these centuries-old stereotypes don’t belong in a world which is supposedly more progressive and open-minded.

 

Why is it that it can still be considered weird and unusual if a guy likes wearing make-up, skirts and dresses, when nothing’s really thought any different about a woman who doesn’t wear make-up, dresses in suits, jeans and hoodies?

 

I’m continually proud to see more and more boys I support online who are into dancing, proudly wear make-up and/or dress differently to other boys. I support a group called “The Phoenix Boys”, who are solely for helping teach & support boys who are into dancing. If you don’t follow them on social media, they’re all incredibly good, kind-hearted boys who are SO HAPPY to be doing what they’re doing. They have a real passion for dance, and you can see it’s a great way for them to express themselves.

 

However, they still face a lot of adversity and prejudice from their peers. They suffer a lot of bullying, including homophobia, because it’s still considered something that boys don’t do. Why? Because that’s how they’ve been brought up to think. Because those attitudes have been passed down through the generations. Because it’s human nature to fear that which is different.

 

In recent years, especially the past year, there’s been more and more reports of girls and women being sexually harassed or assaulted. This has even led to girls and women being told that if they see a male or have a male walking behind them, they should do everything they can to avoid them. While I totally understand the thinking behind this, I think it comes back to what I was saying earlier that ALL men are being put into a box, that ALL men are predators who are going to attack you or otherwise cause trouble for you. This is NOT the attitude there should be. If nothing else, it’s putting additional stress and fear onto boys, who may never do a single thing wrong or have any intention of harming anyone, especially girls and women.

 

One of the arguments made has been that boys need to be taught to properly respect women and to not be so predatory or sexualised. I will admit that in the time I grew-up in, there was a lot of attitudes among boys that it’s so important to have sex with a girl and to lose your virginity, simply as a right of passage. Even teen movies, such as the “American Pie” series, placed massive emphasis on this. Now I’m older and wiser, I can see how harmful and wrong this was.

 

However, I can also see the glaring contradiction here! At the same time boys are being taught to NOT be aggressive, violent and predatory, they’re being ridiculed, shamed and stigmatised for being soft, compassionate and into stuff which are seen as traditionally “girls’ stuff”. Society can’t have it both ways and I think that, in order to build a better future, there needs to be a lot more emphasis put on teaching boys that it’s OK to be softer, compassionate and more open with their emotions.

 

Finally, as I know I’ve written a lot already, I will go into the subject of boys crying and being more emotional in a future blog covering depression and anxiety. But I’d like to end by saying that if you’re reading this and are one of those boys who is different to other boys, it’s OK to be that way. You’ve got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and no-one has any right to treat you like you’re abnormal or wrong. You will always have MY support and I hope you have the support of the people in your everyday lives.

 

For today’s musical recommendation, I nominate “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga. While it’s widely considered an anthem for the LGBTQ+ community, I think it’s also worth considering it as an anthem to stand up and be proud of who/how you are meant to be. Lady Gaga: Born This Way