It's The End, But The Moment Has Been Prepared For!

 Hey everyone, in case you didn't already know, I've actually moved the blog to a completely new website (which I've built myself!). It's all because of a Blogging course I've been doing for the past few weeks, which necessitated me using a completely new domain and service. It's been very hard, stressful work, but I'm pleased to say it's up and running now. Don't worry, I've copied and transferred the exact same blogs I've had on here. But, I've got a lot more options with regards how they look and feel. Plus, as it's on a website I've made myself, I'm also able to exhibit my photography and other stuff (like my social media) too.

I hope you'll all join me over there. It's at:

ABC: Autism, Bullying & Coffee

Thanks for the support, both here, on my social media and (hopefully!) over there too! Let's see what the future has in store!

Online Safety

 

Online Safety: Avoiding Antisocial Media

 

Anyone who knows me properly knows I’ve spent at least 20 years campaigning for the rights and protections of young people around the world. I am fighting a constant battle to try and help keep young people safe online.

 

Like countless people around the world, I use a variety of social media platforms (Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, TikTok, Facebook etc.). As of writing this, I have about 1000 followers on Instagram and over 600 followers on Twitter. I know how so many people place a lot of importance on getting a high number of followers. YouTube even award plaques for reaching milestone amounts of followers. But how many of your followers actually regularly like, comment or generally interact with you or what you post? I know I rarely get more than 20 people liking my photos on Instagram and even less people actually post comments. So, why does it matter how many followers we have? At the end of the day, it’s just a number.

 

I’m hoping that if you’re a kid or teen, you’ve got at least one family member who’s regularly checking what you post and who you interact with online. Yeah, I know, you’re probably laughing and wondering why you’d want your parents invading your privacy or ruining your fun.

 

The first reason is that there is a massive amount of people online who want to make contact with young people in order to cause them some sort of harm. They won’t necessarily say or even do anything to them physically, especially as they may not even be in the same country as them. But they will, at the very least, get a lot of sick enjoyment out of looking at pictures of young people they post online. So, it’s worth considering exactly what you’re posting online and who you’re allowing to see them. Most social media, especially Instagram, allow the option to set your account to “Private”. This means that none of your content is visible unless you approve access to it. So, this is a good opportunity to ask your designated family member to check if the person sending you a “Follow Request” is potentially a risk or trustworthy. You can check out their own account, what they post, what they say etc. If your family have a rule that you can’t allow anyone over a certain age (such as 18), then you’re obviously not going to allow someone who’s quite obviously 35.

 

Now, this isn’t a completely fool-proof way of doing things. What can appear to be an innocent-looking boy or girl around your own age, could in reality be a 42-year-old man. It’s hard to tell at first glance. What normally gives them away is how they interact with you. If they’re particularly keen on you posting pictures of yourself, especially in a situation where you may not be wearing much, like if you’re swimming, then that’s suspicious. One thing I’ve picked-up on a lot is they post either just emojis (usually hearts and kisses) or say things like “Oh gorgeous!”, “Beautiful!”, “Look at you! You’re so good-looking!”

 

They may also be interested in where you live, what school you go to (don’t EVER post pictures of you in school uniform!) or if you want to meet up sometime. They may spend time trying to get to know you better and build-up a connection with you, so that you consider them a friend. They may even try sending you gifts or money, under the false pretence that they care about you and want you to be happy. This is called “grooming” and is never about making YOU happy, it’s about making THEM happy. NEVER arrange to meet-up with anyone you just talk to online, even if they seem harmless and like they care more about you than anyone else you have in your life. Certainly, don’t arrange to meet someone at their house or yours. At the absolute very least, make sure it’s a very public place with lots of people and try to make sure you have an older, trusted friend or family member go with you. That way, if things do go badly, you’ve got plenty of protection and can call for help. With any luck, the other person will be watching and won’t want to go anywhere near you if they see you’re not alone.

 

Of course, the potential to harm/manipulate you may not even need to be in person, it can even happen through various live video-chat features. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve heard about kids and teens being coerced into stripping or performing sexual acts on camera through services like Omegle. 

 

I’ve also come across numerous accounts which pretend to be “fan pages” for young actors, athletes, dancers etc. But they’re really just places where paedophiles can freely look at or share pics of kids. Every single photo may be revealing, or every single comment will be like how I described above.

 

What I normally do whenever someone requests to follow me, or if I consider following them, is I check all their Follower/Following lists. You’d be surprised at the number of times I’ve found loads of accounts without profile pics, shady-looking older men or accounts filled with indecent images. So, always check these!

 

Now, I know I keep placing blame on a lot of “older men”. Believe me, I’ve had plenty of people accuse ME of being a potential threat, simply because of how I look or how I follow and support a lot of young people. It’s why I’ve taken my age out of my bio, because people would judge me simply by that and my appearance, rather than who I actually am as a person. I’ll still tell people my age if they ask me, as I believe in complete honesty and transparency in order to build trust. I never pretend to be anyone I’m not. I’d rather people take the time to properly get to know me better, rather than making their own incorrect assumptions about me.

 

Thankfully, in a lot of cases, I’ve been able to get in touch with a lot of parents/guardians and even follow their own separate accounts too. So, they know they can always rely on me to report any concerns I may have, like if I find someone else sharing their kid’s photos on their own pages or if someone following them is a potential threat.

 

Believe me, I’ve been a target myself, especially as I’m always doing so much to try and take down paedophiles and other risks. I’ve had people create fake accounts of me and then get my own account taken, accusing ME of being the fake. Thankfully, I was able to create a backup account and get in touch with my most-trusted followers to warn them. Still, it took a LOT of hard work and persistence over two weeks before I was able to get my original account back up and running.

 

I’ve also had people follow me and befriend me over the course of several months before I’ve realised they’re fake and using other people’s photos to pretend to be them. In some cases, when I’ve confronted them or exposed their lies, they’ve either blocked me or got extremely hostile. I’ve even had people get all their followers to gang-up on me across multiple social media platforms. So, I’m very much aware of just how bad things can get.

 

Having said all this, social media can still be a really great thing to get into. I’ve made a lot of trustworthy, kind, caring friends who’ve shared a lot of interests with me. I’ve helped save a lot of teens I’ve been mentoring because they’ve been battling depression, self-harm or bullying and also considering suicide. Most recently, it’s helped me explore my passion for photography. So, it’s not all bad, as long as you stay completely aware of the dangers and always know what to look out for.

 

As I always say: “When in doubt, just block and/or report.”

Autism

 

I know what you’re thinking. “How come it’s taken you so long to actually write about Autism when it’s there literally in the title of the blog?” Well, there have just been a lot of different topics I wanted to cover first. But also, I wanted to make it more accessible and interesting to EVERYONE, not just purely those who are Autistic or know someone who is.

 

I was diagnosed as Autistic sometime late-2019, at the age of 37. That’s 37 gruelling, anxiety-filled, overwhelming years of not having a clue of what was wrong with me. Frankly, I don’t know how I’ve kept going all this time, especially as things have got progressively worse in my life as time has gone on.

 

Let me make one thing clear, I don’t believe my Autism getting worse is simply because of me getting older, it’s more to do with the trauma I’ve been put through by various people or situations leading-up to the diagnosis. Had none of that happened and I had been diagnosed a lot earlier in life, I could’ve got better support and understanding from people as I’ve grown-up. I may have even been able to avoid a lot of mistakes and misunderstandings from the many people I’ve totally-unintentionally managed to annoy or upset over the years.

 

The irony though is that if I hadn’t hit absolute rock-bottom and become severely depressed, I wouldn’t have been passed to mental health services and wouldn’t have had my diagnosis fast-tracked. I know most people, disgracefully, must wait about 1-2 years before they can even be SEEN by specialists, let alone actually get a diagnosis! So, I guess in that way I’m lucky.

 

I’ve always been socially awkward, struggled to make friends and properly interact with others. I have often realised how my life or development has sort of happened in reverse. As a child, I was a lot more mature and an absolute stickler for rules, hence why other kids would bully me and consider me either a “class swot” or “teacher’s pet”. Whereas, nowadays, I’m a lot more of someone who fights for what he believes in and challenges those in authority if I believe something’s not right (think of teen Climate Activist Greta Thunberg, another fellow Autistic person!).

 

I’ve always had what I call an “encyclopaedic knowledge” of certain things, especially my favourite sci-fi franchise “Star Trek”. I’d often get bullied for that and asked, “How many windows has the U.S.S. Enterprise got?” Believe me, I didn’t choose to absorb this sort of knowledge, it’s just gone that way! In contrast, I’ve always absolutely struggled with Mathematics, no matter how many times I’ve tried. I completely flunked it in school, getting the lowest possible grade in my G.C.S.E.

 

So, if you’re not Autistic, you’re probably wondering exactly what it is I must deal with. Well, I’m what they call “High-Functioning Autistic”, meaning I have a milder form of it which (on the surface) makes me seem like any ordinary neurotypical person. However, I’m always going through a ton of different stuff under the surface. For one thing, my senses are dialled right up. I can’t tolerate loud and/or sudden noise, such as someone talking loudly, loud music or something suddenly being dropped. This does also sometimes extend to quieter sounds, like someone tapping on a table, lips moving or even other people talking/whispering. I have some noise-cancelling headphones, which have been an absolute lifesaver and which I wear a lot (especially when out). 

 

Another sensory problem I have is stuff I see, especially movements. For example, my Dad has some sort of medical condition which means his hands and fingers are always moving involuntarily. I can’t tolerate this, and it creeps me out immensely as it’s like a Tarantula spider’s legs wiggling about. So, I normally must look away or, when sitting near him, must wear a hoodie to block me from seeing it. Believe me, I feel REALLY bad about having to do this, as I know he can’t help it! I also struggle to make eye contact with people, instead preferring to talk to them while looking away. I have had some people deliberately then try moving back into my field of vision, which is annoying.

 

I don’t feel I have the same sensitivity to bright/flashing lights that some on the Autistic Spectrum have. But I do have heightened sensitivity with touch and smell. I don’t like being touched normally or being too close to people physically. I also don’t like certain materials/fabrics, such as coarse wool, which makes my skin crawl and again like I’ve just touched a spider or something similar. I don’t like certain smells, like minty toothpaste or chewing gum.

 

I have a sort of “mental deafness” in that I can clearly hear stuff but sometimes struggle to process it properly. For example, I need to have the subtitles/captions on when watching the TV. Or, if someone tells me something, I need them to repeat it sometimes (although as soon as they repeat it, I instantly know what they said the first time!). Similarly, if I’m talking but then get interrupted, I completely lose my “train of thought” and struggle to recall what I was talking about. I can’t deal with multiple conversations going on at once and struggle to either focus on one of them or even say whatever I need to say myself.

 

I have a heightened sense of empathy with everyone around me. The funny thing is that a lot of neurotypical people have often said that us Autistic people have no sense of empathy. Believe me, empathy is probably the one thing I have in abundance, and which is at the absolute core of who I am as a person. I really care strongly about some people, especially kids and teens. If they feel sad/upset, I feel sad/upset. If they’re being told off by teachers/parents, I feel like I’m being told-off right along with them. This is probably why things went badly in the schools I used to work at, although it was also why I was so good at being a mentor/counsellor for them.

 

As for the “socially-awkward” side of things, I rarely have the confidence to go up to someone and talk to them about something. At the very least, I need several minutes to mentally-prepare exactly what I need to say, like if I’m in a coffee bar and need to order a drink. I absolutely hate having to use a phone and, again, need lots of time to prepare. I recently had a complete meltdown when I was called unexpectedly by people connected to the Job Centre.

 

Which brings me to the extreme side of things, meltdowns. If I get overwhelmed by stuff, whether it’s sounds, people getting angry with me, people not understanding me or stuff not going according to plan, I completely freak-out. This can result in me running away and needing to find refuge somewhere quiet, me throwing stuff, shouting/swearing, crying, struggling to breathe etc. I’ve worked-out different strategies, like putting my headphones on and listening to music or just being left alone for a few minutes. It doesn’t go away quickly though and can leave me feeling severely depressed and quiet for hours or even the rest of the day. I’ve sometimes completely shut-down and walked in a trance-like state for miles.

 

This is where a lot of misunderstanding impacts Autistic children. As a lot of these responses are seen by people, like school staff or parents, as “bad behaviour” or “being naughty”, they’re treated as such and are punished, singled-out, restrained or shouted-at. All of this just ends-up making things even worse and causes even more distress to the child. Sadly, I’ve seen for myself how, despite training or being told differently, some people just stubbornly refuse to treat these kids differently and think they’re “just being allowed to get away with it.”

 

Something that is Important is how it’s not that we should somehow adapt to fit into society but rather the opposite, it should be society that adapts to make US feel more comfortable. There is a definite improvement in understanding Autism and trying to make things better for us, but there is still so much more to be done. The biggest example is the Sunflower Lanyard, which is worn by those of us with “Hidden Disabilities”. More public places and organisations, such as shops and supermarkets, have trained their staff to recognise what it means and how to help us if we need it. I have also added a few “I Am Autistic” cards into a plastic wallet at the end of the lanyard, which not just show I’m Autistic but have emergency info for if I have a major meltdown.

 

However, despite this supposed training, I have not noticed any change. I can walk around a supermarket and staff are still either talking loudly or banging stuff about or making tannoy announcements at a high volume. They may sometimes have “Autism-friendly hours”, but these are usually early-morning when they open and so don’t make a difference when people like me go there later in the day. Also, with the COVID-19 pandemic, the whole Sunflower Lanyard scheme has been hijacked by those wishing to avoid having to wear a mask. So, those of us who genuinely need help get overlooked.

 

It is obvious there is still a lot of hard work which needs to be done in the world to help those of us in the Autistic community and let us lead normal lives. But the best way this can be done is by consulting with the Autistic community itself. It’s no good having neurotypical people, who may have done numerous courses and observed/assessed Autistic people. At the end of the day, none of them know what it FEELS like in our heads or our hearts every single moment of our lives.

Pride: It's Not A Sin

Just a quick disclaimer at the start. Even though this blog is on LGBTQ+ Pride, I can only speak from the perspective of being gay. I don’t want to risk offending anyone else who fits into any of the rest of the LGBTQ+ community, even though I’ve known a lot of people who are in it.

At the time of writing this, it is the middle of Pride Month globally. Well, I say “globally” but we all know a lot of countries still treat LGBTQ+ people as something to be feared or hated on. But then that only strengthens the cause and argument as to why we need Pride, to fight for those who feel oppressed or victimised for being who/how they are.

 

Yeah, I bet you thought this was going to be a bright, cheerful, rainbow-filled shower of glitter and sparkles. But, sadly, it’s not always like that. For me, it certainly hasn’t been. I live in Brighton, which (so I’m told!) is known globally for its massive LGBTQ+ community. So, you’d think that both I and everyone else would be free and able to be ourselves without any fear or ridicule. WRONG!!! Even here, Homophobia is lurking and ever-present. Gay men get beaten-up, laughed-at or spat upon. There are still so many people who think it’s “perverted, unnatural or a sin against God”. People think that just because you’re gay, you’re suddenly going to fancy every guy on the planet and want to get really intimate with them. Trust me, that is not happening!

 

Like many places, it all starts at home or in the school playground. While schools may say they have zero tolerance rules on homophobia and discrimination, there are still plenty of kids and teens who regularly use homophobic slurs to put down those who are in any way different. This was certainly the case back when I was at school. So, time for a flashback!

 

I first discovered I was different back when I was about 12-14 years old. Believe me, I’d always very much fancied a lot of girls and women. I certainly had plenty of posters in my bedroom which supported this. However, one night, everything changed. Totally out-of-the-blue, I had a dream about one of the boys I went to school with. Don’t worry, it wasn’t a particularly intimate dream, but it did make me feel all kinds of things about how good that boy looked. From that point on, I started to notice it more about other boys. But, at the same time, I was very uncomfortable.

 

What you must understand is that this all happened back in the 1990s, a time when being gay was still very much frowned upon and misunderstood. It was certainly coming off the back of the British government’s Section 28 policy about banning the promotion and literature of Homosexuality, especially in schools. The AIDS crisis was also still very much fresh in everyone’s minds, with the deaths of prominent people like Freddie Mercury and Kenny Everett (comedian and radio presenter). It was also way before the Internet properly took off too, so there weren’t really any resources to help me. I also both went to a Catholic school and had been brought-up by very religious parents who would regularly make remarks about “Urgh! Down with that sort of thing! We don’t want to see that. Why do they think everyone wants to see that?”

 

However, I want to say that I don’t really blame them. They were brought-up during times when attitudes towards LGBTQ+ people were even worse and prejudiced than they were when I was growing-up. It was illegal to be found to be gay or committing “lewd homosexual acts”. I’ve even seen an advert made for TV, from the 1960s, where they linked being gay to being a paedophile. Seriously, there’s a kid playing in a park with a shifty-looking guy in the bushes, watching the kid with a pervy smile on his face while the narrator states ominously, “Beware the homosexual! He is coming for your children!” So, it’s no wonder such propaganda warped everyone’s minds.

 

Anyway, back to my own story.

 

So, I was very much alone and ended-up in complete denial. I made the decision to just ignore it and “choose” to be straight, regardless of how I kept feeling. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I’d started giving off gay vibes or if it was just because I wasn’t into football and regular “boys” things, but that’s when the homophobic bullying started too. I was regularly called every slur you could possibly think of. I never once admitted to ANYONE that I was having these feelings about boys, not even to my one best friend. 

 

As time went on, I soon found out about a thing called “Bisexuality”, which made me feel a bit easier as I knew I wasn’t the only person who fancied both boys and girls. I was still very much keeping it to myself though and this continued for many more years. That is, until a whole lot of other things in my life changed and went incredibly-badly (depression, anxiety, going in and out of jobs, not knowing I was Autistic). After nearly ending it all, I came to a different kind of conclusion and epiphany which I still always tell people to this day:

 

People will hate on you no matter who/how you are, so you’d might as well just fully-embrace yourself and be who/how you are meant to be.

 

Since then, I’ve gone on to help mentor a lot more young people who’ve either already been “out and proud” or have only just started to come to terms with being gay/bi/lesbian/trans. Like me, they’ve also either been in denial, feared what others might think or have been bullied either at school or at home. But, with my support and the support of other key people in their lives, they’ve managed to go on to live better, happier, prouder lives as their true selves.

 

It’s quite alright to feel confused and even change your mind as you explore things yourself. Like the diver, Tom Daley, I originally thought I was bisexual, but am now very much gay. Every shred of attraction towards women has gone away.

 

Sadly, the story doesn’t always end so well for everyone and so it’s incredibly important we continue to fight for equality, justice and acceptance for ALL LGBTQ+ people. So many lives have been lost, kids thrown out on the streets or contemplating either self-harm or suicide. If you’re reading this and aren’t a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I ask you sincerely and wholeheartedly to do everything you can to be an LGBTQ+ Ally and stand-up for our rights. You never know who in your life may be one of us but is too scared to let anyone know.

 

At the end of the day, THAT is what Pride is about. Not just flag-waving, wearing bright, multi-coloured clothing or “being outrageous”. It’s about standing-up and saying to the world, “This is me! This is how I feel or am! I’m not trying to upset anyone. I’m still the exact same person I’ve always been. Just please accept and support me. Let me live my life as happily as possible without fear or hate.”

 

This blog’s music choice comes from the recent cover version of “It’s A Sin” by Elton John & Olly Alexander. Originally by The Pet Shop Boys, this has always been a massive hit for me growing up. I hope you enjoy it and, if you’re struggling with being LGBTQ+, know that you are not alone and you have a place in the LGBTQ+ community.

Bullying

 

One of the biggest problems with bullying is the denial in schools that it either exists at all or that it’s not as bad as people say it is. I’ve worked in at least one school where I actually had a conversation with senior leaders about anti-bullying strategies or campaigns, to which they’d simply reply that none of it needs to be done as the school doesn’t have a bullying problem. Trust me, ALL schools have a bullying problem, some may just have a bigger or smaller problem than others. The best thing to do is to really go for it and do everything imaginable to support kids against bullying. That way, it’s less likely to happen and those who ARE being bullied can get the support they need.

 

Anyone who follows my social media or knows me personally will know I was bullied relentlessly all through school. That’s eleven years, at least, of inescapable, non-stop, soul-crushing unhappiness. Now, some people reading this may think, “But John, surely you had some of a break? What about when you weren’t at school or you were on school holidays?” So, let me explain something to you. Bullying doesn’t just happen when the bully is right there in front of you, saying things to you or hitting you. It stays with you every second of your life, because it’s permanently seared into your brain. You hear the bully’s voice, the taunts, the laughter and feel both the physical & emotional pain all the time. You have nightmares of what’s already happened or what could possibly happen, everytime you’re asleep. Which in turn, sometimes, leads to you not wanting to sleep. I’ve had times when I’d be having a nightmare about bullying, go to punch them but then wake-up mid-punch and end up punching either the wall or whatever’s around my bed.

 

People, especially adults, need to remember that a person being bullied isn’t JUST dealing with bullying. They’re dealing with schoolwork, body-image, what they’re eating, boyfriend/girlfriend issues, family/home problems, if they’ve got enough money, if their computer breaks down, if they’ve got enough credit on their phone etc. They’re dealing with a whole lot of stuff all at once, some of which their bullies will probably hone in on. It’s no wonder they usually get angry or fall into depression or worse. Those supporting them, if anyone is at all, need to bear this in mind and not add any more to it, especially teachers and parents.

 

I suppose, in some ways, I’m lucky as my bullying was mainly verbal, emotional and psychological. A lot of people aren’t so lucky and regularly get beaten-up. I did have the odd one of these and even once got threatened I’d get stabbed the next day, leading to both me and my best-friend having to resign ourselves to the fact that tomorrow may be our last. Obviously, it wasn’t, but we still thought it would be!

 

So, what did I get bullied about myself? Primarily, it was because I was overweight. Certainly, getting changed for P.E. was an absolute nightmare, especially once I’d started puberty! But, over time, I’d get picked on for other things like being a loner, being a “teacher’s pet”, because I was a sci-fi nerd, because I wore glasses, because I didn’t have a girlfriend (which led to a LOT of homophobic bullying, which I’ll probably go into in a separate blog), because I was nervous, because I wasn’t into sports…the list goes on. The point is that bullies will pick on you for absolutely anything, so don’t ever change to fit in or in the hopes it’ll stop or ease the bullying.

 

It all finally stopped at the end of Year 11, which is the end of compulsory education here in England. Even though I stayed on for Sixth Form College, most of the kids who’d bullied me chose to move on and those who stayed were, surprisingly, totally-changed and became good friends with me. I guess this proves that sometimes they’re only doing it to impress the ring-leader and so they don’t get bullied themselves! However, I did still have some incidents many years later in workplaces, which definitely felt exactly like bullying.

 

I still feel the effects of it all, even now. When I look back at my childhood and teens, I don’t have lots of happy memories. All I remember, vividly, is what I got put through. It certainly had an impact on my mental health, but also my physical health. Yes, it’s pushed me to get fitter and lose weight. But it’s also left me very self-conscious and with low confidence, on top of what I’ve already always been feeling due to being Autistic.

 

Thank goodness we didn’t have the Internet, social media or smartphones back when I was growing-up! The advent of Cyber-Bullying has been an absolute curse and made an already-bad problem ten-times worse. People, not just kids and teens, now face potential bullying, humiliation and harassment from others around the world, not just in their own area. Even I’ve been a victim of it!

 

If there is one message I could give anyone who is getting bullied now, it’s to speak-out against it. My main problem was I just took it, I didn’t get any help and no-one did anything about it, even though they must’ve seen and heard it happening. I’m more than aware that bullies may use intimidation and be like, “If you tell anyone about this, especially teachers, I’m going to make you regret it!” But, let me ask you this, is it REALLY any better letting it continue? I can tell you that it isn’t. Keep fighting back, talk to parents, friends, teachers…hell, go to the media about it! Don’t accept ANY crap from anyone, including schools. Teachers and those in charge may say to parents, “Oh, well we are aware of it and are taking a zero-tolerance approach to bullying.” But really, it isn’t enough. There’s no way schools are doing absolutely everything they can to stop or prevent it.

 

I want to end on a positive note and say that, even though some victims of bullying become bullies themselves, that doesn’t always have to be the way. I have used my experiences to not only drive myself forwards but to devote my life to helping other young people who are either going through bullying or other bad experiences. I don’t want any of them to feel as alone and helpless as I did. I know that a lot of young people have just chosen to end it all as it’s been too much to deal with. But you DO have a positive future ahead of you. I’ve spent about twenty years helping support and mentor kids/teens, so many of who have seen me as someone who is cool, fun, supportive and someone who’s made a difference in their lives. I honestly could NEVER have imagined that happening back when I was at school. If things can improve and change that much for me, they can for you too!

My musical choice for this blog is "You Say" by Lauren Daigle. It's really uplifting and feels appropriate for a blog about the good and bad things people say to or about you.

Toxic Masculinity and Boys' Stereotypes

 

💪"Macho, Macho Man! I Want To Be A Macho Man!" - The Village People💪

 

Are you familiar with the story of “Billy Elliot”, either the movie or the musical? Basically, the story is about a boy who’s about 11 years old and who lives with his struggling family during the 1980s British Miners’ Strike. His Dad keeps sending him to boxing lessons, but it’s obvious he’s neither any good at it nor does he really have any interest in it. He’s just doing it because his Dad did it and so did HIS Dad before him. After a lesson one day, he discovers a ballet dancing class taking place in the same building. He’s instantly captivated by it and, despite initial resistance, joins in with it. The instructor instantly realises he’s got potential and so begins training him up. However, his Dad later finds out and is so angry/disgusted by it, he bans Billy from any further lessons. Thankfully, Billy sticks to his guns and manages to convince his family to let him continue, eventually leading to him going to the Royal Ballet School.

 

Why am I telling you this? Because this blog’s about what it means to be a male, especially a boy, in a world where there is still so much prejudice and “Toxic Masculinity”. Even though the above story took place in the 1980s, the general attitudes, stigma, prejudices are still around today. Boys and men are expected to fit into a neat little box, like they always have been. You’re born expecting to be into stuff like football, rugby, boxing, going out with your mates, getting into “rough and tumble” and eventually getting a job doing something physical or otherwise very much contributing to society at large. But, what if you DIDN’T?

 

I don’t know what it’s like where you live, but I used to work in Primary Schools where most staff were women. As you can probably imagine, having a man around ruffled more than a few feathers, which is a massive part of why I don’t do it anymore. In at least one school, there would regularly be a lot of sexism and discrimination, even when I was around. Staff, especially the senior ones, would routinely make remarks about how useless men are, especially their husbands and how the boys in the school would never amount to much because their “caveman” instincts would always take over and they’d always be causing trouble or fighting because of “the days they’d be swinging through the trees like monkeys”. Obviously, this got to me a lot, much to their amusement.

 

However, the boys (and a few girls) responded to having me around and considered me a mentor. Some boys, who’d earned a reputation for being a right handful, even began to improve their behaviour and open-up, despite absolutely NO-ONE having had any luck with them before. Even their parents were extremely grateful for the support and different approach I was taking with their sons. It also made a big difference to those kids who either didn’t have a father figure at home or no other positive male role model in their lives.

 

Obviously, that was a few years ago and so I have no idea what they’re up to these days. But it made me think, what other boys never changed and never fully realised their potential simply because people treated them like they’d never make it or were only capable of causing trouble? What about the boys who never even got into trouble most (or all) of the time? I know from my own experiences growing up, as well as working in schools, that it’s sometimes the case that ALL boys are treated the same way, and ALL get punished together, simply because their gender means they’re likely to have been the cause of trouble.

 

I once spoke to a boy who had tried-out cheerleading but was too scared to pursue it for fear of what his peers might think. He was scared he’d be the victim of homophobic bullying, even to the point of thinking he could potentially be bisexual. I told him that it shouldn’t matter what other people think. If he genuinely has an interest in doing something, he should go and do it. I know for a fact that there are boy cheerleaders out there already.

 

But that’s part of the problem, that so much is still considered “gender-specific” and so boys are expected to do stuff like sport (especially rough ones), construction and engineering while girls are expected to do cooking, dancing etc. Don’t get me wrong, there are already more and more great strides being made to reverse all this and I’m proud to say I’ve had at least one family member who’s done so. All these centuries-old stereotypes don’t belong in a world which is supposedly more progressive and open-minded.

 

Why is it that it can still be considered weird and unusual if a guy likes wearing make-up, skirts and dresses, when nothing’s really thought any different about a woman who doesn’t wear make-up, dresses in suits, jeans and hoodies?

 

I’m continually proud to see more and more boys I support online who are into dancing, proudly wear make-up and/or dress differently to other boys. I support a group called “The Phoenix Boys”, who are solely for helping teach & support boys who are into dancing. If you don’t follow them on social media, they’re all incredibly good, kind-hearted boys who are SO HAPPY to be doing what they’re doing. They have a real passion for dance, and you can see it’s a great way for them to express themselves.

 

However, they still face a lot of adversity and prejudice from their peers. They suffer a lot of bullying, including homophobia, because it’s still considered something that boys don’t do. Why? Because that’s how they’ve been brought up to think. Because those attitudes have been passed down through the generations. Because it’s human nature to fear that which is different.

 

In recent years, especially the past year, there’s been more and more reports of girls and women being sexually harassed or assaulted. This has even led to girls and women being told that if they see a male or have a male walking behind them, they should do everything they can to avoid them. While I totally understand the thinking behind this, I think it comes back to what I was saying earlier that ALL men are being put into a box, that ALL men are predators who are going to attack you or otherwise cause trouble for you. This is NOT the attitude there should be. If nothing else, it’s putting additional stress and fear onto boys, who may never do a single thing wrong or have any intention of harming anyone, especially girls and women.

 

One of the arguments made has been that boys need to be taught to properly respect women and to not be so predatory or sexualised. I will admit that in the time I grew-up in, there was a lot of attitudes among boys that it’s so important to have sex with a girl and to lose your virginity, simply as a right of passage. Even teen movies, such as the “American Pie” series, placed massive emphasis on this. Now I’m older and wiser, I can see how harmful and wrong this was.

 

However, I can also see the glaring contradiction here! At the same time boys are being taught to NOT be aggressive, violent and predatory, they’re being ridiculed, shamed and stigmatised for being soft, compassionate and into stuff which are seen as traditionally “girls’ stuff”. Society can’t have it both ways and I think that, in order to build a better future, there needs to be a lot more emphasis put on teaching boys that it’s OK to be softer, compassionate and more open with their emotions.

 

Finally, as I know I’ve written a lot already, I will go into the subject of boys crying and being more emotional in a future blog covering depression and anxiety. But I’d like to end by saying that if you’re reading this and are one of those boys who is different to other boys, it’s OK to be that way. You’ve got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and no-one has any right to treat you like you’re abnormal or wrong. You will always have MY support and I hope you have the support of the people in your everyday lives.

 

For today’s musical recommendation, I nominate “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga. While it’s widely considered an anthem for the LGBTQ+ community, I think it’s also worth considering it as an anthem to stand up and be proud of who/how you are meant to be. Lady Gaga: Born This Way

Introduction

 

"Hello there!"- Obi-Wan Kenobi

 

 Like the well-known Jedi knight from Star Wars, I'd like to greet you warmly and say, "Come on in! Take your coat off, grab a drink and sit on a comfy chair, beanbag, whatever makes you comfortable. Think of this as like an online Costa, Starbucks, McDonalds or wherever you normally like to chill out. Let's start at the beginning, in case you haven't followed me from any of my social media:

I'm John, from Brighton in England in the United Kingdom. As you've probably guessed from the title and description of this blog, I'm Autistic and have lived a life of all kinds of bullying, abuse, prejudice, depression, anxiety...the list goes on. I will be talking about it all and my various life experiences in all my blogs, although I'll probably spread everything out and try to focus on a specific topic for each blog.

Even though I'm very much well into adulthood, I was only diagnosed with Autism a couple of years ago (just before the world changed forever with the COVID-19 pandemic!). So, as you can probably imagine, life's been pretty hard for me, especially BEFORE I was diagnosed. I haven't had any support...not even the tiniest little breadcrumb of support. So, I've had to try and fight my way through life and support myself in whatever way I can. Part of that has been through my interests in stuff like sci-fi (hence the Star Wars quote!), nature photography (hence the nature photo!) and through helping to support other young people, especially those going through the same or similar experiences to my own.

But, enough about me for now, as this is only meant to be an introduction and I want this blog to be relatable to YOU as well. Like I said, a BIG part of who I am as a person is being someone who reaches out to support other young people. Over the years, I've worked in schools but have also had a lot of kids and teens (especially boys) reach out to me either in person or on social media for help.

Which brings me onto my core objective for this blog. It's not just about sharing my obsessive pop culture references (although there will be a lot of them!) or my nature photography (check out my Instagram for that!). It's going to be about helping support all the every-increasing boys and men who are struggling with either their mental health or anything else like bullying, prejudice, abuse, relationships etc. If there's one thing I've learnt over the years, it's that I seem to have a knack for helping provide a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a professional counsellor, psychiatrist etc. I have done multiple courses on Mentoring or child development, but a lot of my knowledge comes from life experiences. Similarly, while I'm into nature photography, I'm not knowledgeable about nature. I leave that sort of thing to my fellow Autistic legends like Chris Packham and Dara McAnulty (a teen from Northern Ireland who I'm proud to say has just won multiple awards for his book on nature, "Diary of a Young Naturalist").

Anyway, I think this is enough waffle for today. I'll start getting into the real "nitty-gritty" next time. I'm not going to have a specific schedule for these, just as and when I feel inspired to write. I hope you'll join me! In the meantime, go check out my Twitter and Instagram. The links should be on the right. Also, more importantly, if you're currently struggling and need immediate support, I've put various support service websites at the bottom of the blog page. Hopefully, they'll always be there anytime you need them!

I'd like to leave you, assuming it works, with some of my favourite uplifting music. This is one of the latest tracks from one half of my favourite trailer music creators, "Two Steps From Hell". Thomas Bergersen from Norway, who normally works with Nick Phoenix, has released various solo albums and this is from one of them. Take care and keep holding on, no matter what!